


What Home is

by C_C



Series: Home [2]
Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-09 22:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13490808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C_C/pseuds/C_C
Summary: Sometimes it takes stumbling over yourself to see what’s right in front of you.





	What Home is

I shouldn’t be this nervous. I’ve met them before. But then I wasn’t the man stealing their youngest son away. Not literally at least. Not that he doesn’t want to go. I know that he does. But all the same, they moved all this way to be near him after I reunited them and now I’m taking him away again. Because he says I’m his home but Canada is mine. Does that truly absolve me though? Shouldn’t I be content wherever he chooses to make his home, because I love him? I was. I was content in Chicago. I had Ray, I had my job, I had friends, my life was good. I didn’t want to change it. Hell, truth be told I’m not entirely sure I want to change it now. But Ray’s set on it. He wants to move to Canada. Wants me to accept the posting I’ve been offered near Maggie in Owl Creek. Wants to register as domestic partners and find what he wants to do with the rest of his life… I just hope he’s not setting himself up for disappointment, imagining it to be more than it is. I want him to be happy, and if Owl Creek makes him happy so be it. But at the first sign of missing take out, sunlight or even his job we are coming home. Home. That’s odd. Two months ago I would have sworn that Inuvik or Tuktoyaktuk was home. It seems somewhere along our quest Chicago became home. Now we’re here and Ray wants to leave… It’s absurd. And we need to talk. Before he tells his parents we’re moving.

"Ray."

"Hmm?"

"We need to talk."

"A less secure man would have just hit that tree Ben. Those are not good words."

"Be that as it may Ray we do in fact need to have a discussion."

"About?"

"Regarding our plans to relocate."

He glances at me, clearly tense, "What about it?"

"I don’t think we truly discussed it before. It’s not what I want, and unless you’re dead set on it I’d prefer not to do it."

"You don’t want me to move to Canada with you?" His hands tighten on the steering wheel.

"Correct. I want you to stay in Chicago with me."

He shakes his head, "You’re not making any sense."

And we’re pulling into the driveway. "We’ll talk about it later Ray, please just don’t tell your parents we’re moving. The rest… well it is time they know. But until we’ve decided, *together* what we’re going to do don’t say anything."

"I… You… Damnit Ben I’m lost here. I really am."

“That’s exactly my point Ray. And we really should be getting inside, your parents surely must find it odd that we’re just sitting here in the car.”

With an exasperated little sigh he opens the door, “My sanity may not survive much more of you Ben.” I wait for Dief, who’s been oddly quiet, to join us before shutting the door.

As Ray knocks I begin to wish I’d worn my hat. It’d give me something to do with my hands at least.

 *

Ben is freaking me out a little here. He doesn’t want to move to Canada? Since when? “I’m home.” Only means one thing, Damnit. And it sure as hell isn’t “Let’s stay in Chicago Ray.” Maybe he thinks that I’d be giving up too much. I mean my job and my folks are here, so I can see where he’s coming from. But I meant what I told him before, he’s my home, the rest is just… extra.

I need to focus now, this is important.

“Stanley!” Mum hugs me and kisses my cheek. “And Benton, come here dear,” She pulls Ben in and hugs him too.

“Good evening Mrs. Kowalski, what’s that wonderful smell?”

“I’ve told you a half dozen times now Benton, call me Barbara. And the pot roast should be ready in about fifteen minutes. In fact would you tell your father to start washing up Stanley? He’s taken apart the fan in our bedroom and is positively covered in grease.”

Before I have time to even take a breath I’m nodding, “Sure thing Mum. I’ll be right back.” This woman has me trained better than Ben does. Maybe she should take a crack at Dief. Where the hell is the wolf, come to think of it? I’d whistle for him but he whines about it.

Mum was not kidding about Dad being a mess. It looks like he declared war on the WD-40 and lost. But to my credit I do not even consider laughing.

“Dad?” I wait for him to look up, “Mum wanted me to let you know it’s time to start washing up for dinner.”

Dad sighs dejectedly, “For the best really. I was getting no where with this.” He gestures to the bits of fan laid out before him. “Whaddaya say son, up to taking a look at it after dinner?”

I smile, glad to be asked, “I don’t know how much help I can be but sure thing. And maybe Ben could lend a hand, too.”

“Good, good,” Dad mutters getting up. “Let your mother know I’ll be out soon.”

“Will do,” I retreat quickly. And there’s Dief, curled up beneath the table, waiting eagerly to beg scraps. And I guess I’m not the only one Mum has trained because she’s got Ben, who ALWAYS insists on helping sitting at the table with a cup of tea.

Mum holds out a knife and a tomato, “Stanley, be a dear and add this to the salad please.”

Ben’s probably chuckling to himself as I do it. And just for that I slip a thin slice to the wolf.

Which of course Ben sees. “Ray,” He warns, “You know tomatoes make Diefenbaker sick.”

“He’ll be fine Ben. Even the vet says he’s fine and he’s been eating table scraps for years, man.”

Ben just shakes his head. Mum ignores us both. Dief however barks happily and thumps my leg with his tail. Might as well be an extremely intelligent retriever puppy, I tell you. “Besides Ben, I am way past buying that wild animal sh-stuff. Dief would never leave ya and we all know it. As long as he’s eating kibble outta a bowl with his name on the side he can have an occasional bit of whatever I’m eating.”

“I know when I’m beat,” Ben says with a shrug. I’m surprised. It’s a Ben-at-home thing to say and he’s never been that comfortable in front of my mother before. Before I can analyze it he grins at me, “Besides, you’re right, he’s not a wild animal anymore. He proved that on the quest. Hiding from the cold in the tent like a new pup.”

“Made a good space heater,” I offer patting his head.

Dad walks in and sits down as Mum asks, “You boys had a good trip then?”

“The quest was fun. Cold, windy, a lot of hard work.”

“It was rather enjoyable,” Ben adds with only the slightest hint of a blush.

Dad smiles, “I hear there are some excellent fishing spots up there.”

I laughed at that, “Ice fishing is cool Dad. You’d like it.”

“In addition to the many lakes that are indeed excellent for ice fishing there are any number of rivers that offer a more traditional fishing experience. Including the one near my father’s cabin.”

“What do you get there? Salmon? Trout?” Dad asks with interest and I grin, glad to hear them bonding. It’ll help soften the blow for Dad.

Ben smiles at that, glad to talk about the Northwest areas like always, “Northern pike and Artic char are the most common results of fly fishing in the area, actually. Though lake trout are easy enough to come by when ice fishing.”

“You boys’ll have to take me sometime, haven’t been on a real fishing trip in a long time.”

Something makes me hesitant over that idea, “It’s a long way to go to fish Dad. Three planes…”

“Good fishing’s worth it Stanley.” I can’t help it, I have to laugh at that. Dad laughs too. And I turn around to assure my ears aren’t deceiving me, so does Ben.

When the mirth subsides a bit Ben smiles at my dad, “Right you are Mr. Kowalski. And I’d be happy to look into arranging such a trip.”

Unlike Mom there is no ‘call me Damien’ coming from Dad and I’m okay with that. Ben is Not one of his poker buddies, and it’s better if we all remember that.

“Thank you Stanley, now sit down,” Mum says taking the salad from my hands. “It’s wonderful that you boys enjoyed yourselves, but I really am glad that you’re back.”

“I missed you too Mum, and before you say it not for the laundry or your pot roast.”

“I know Stanley,” Mum assures me joining us at the table. “You’re a good boy.”

I ignore the fact that she makes it sound like I’m still eight. I have bigger problems. Like how to broach the subject of me and Ben. And yet again I chicken out, “Which reminds me, how is Mark? He didn’t write while I was away.”

“Oh, I told him you were out of town dear, he said he’d mail his letter when I told him you’d come home,” Mum explains with a little glance at Dad. “He was worried you might not come home in time, he’s marrying Suzanne.”

I’m floored, “Mark’s getting married? He told me he and Suze were just going to live together for awhile longer. What changed?”

“Suzanne’s pregnant dear,” Mum explains. She’s watching me real close, like she’s worried I’ll be upset.

Which is just silly, “That’s great! When’s the wedding? When’s the baby due? Why didn’t you tell me when we arrived home? I would’ve called Mark right away to congratulate him.”

“You’re not… upset dear?” Mum asks warily.

“Not at all. Look I get what you’re not saying Mum. That wasn’t really about kids… And hey, being Uncle Ray means I get to spoil em and send em home when they’re in trouble, sounds good to me.” I sigh at the disbelieving look both my parents are giving me and then look over at Ben, who has certainly looked better. He’s scared, thinks maybe Mum’s right. “Look, we’re all adults here and we all know what happened. I’m not saying I didn’t want kids. I did. Maybe I still do, I dunno.” I make sure Ben meets my eyes at that. “But it was never as big a deal as it seemed. I made such a fuss because I thought kids would fix what was wrong with me and Stella which was the dumbest thing I could have come up with. What was wrong with me and Stella was that we were kids with no clue about the real world, or each other. I wanted what I’d been dreaming of since I was eight damn years old, and it was never going to happen. I get that now. It’s not about effort, it’s about understanding the person you’re with and loving them for who they are.” Listen to me playing the pronoun game, who’d have thought I’d ever be doing *that* again?

Ben catches it, but I don’t think Mum or Dad does.

Surprisingly it’s Dad that responds, “I’m glad to hear you understand your mistake Stanley. I know I haven’t always been the most supportive but I do know that you’re happy now and you never really were then, son.”

Thank you Dad. “I really am, and I’m glad you can see that.” Deep breath time, “And I think it’s time I tell you why…” And yes, that’s the sound of me chickening out yet again.

“Stanley,” Mum barely whispers, “It’s alright.”

“It’s better than alright Mum. I’m… truly happy. Because I’m in love, for real this time.” Now or never. “With Ben.”

“We know Dear,” Mother pats my hand.

Ben turns scarlet, and I probably do too, “You know?”

“We’ve know for quite some time Stanley. Well, suspected at any rate. And as long as you’re happy we’re happy for you.”

“Exactly Son. And you sure did a far sight better this time,” He claps a hand down on Ben’s shoulder and Ben’s blush deepens. “Now stop having a panic attack. We were having a nice meal here.”

I stare at Dad a minute of two before I feel myself grinning. “You really want us to take you fishing in Canada?”

He laughs and shakes his head, “Yes Stanley, I do.”

I turn to Ben, who’s starting to look like himself again. “Doesn’t Maggie’s new boyfriend work for one of those outfitters that plans trips like that for you?”

“I believe so Ray. Though I’m not entirely certain Maggie is still seeing Lucas. She hasn’t mentioned him during our last few phone calls.”

“Three out of the last four conversations you had with Maggie were ‘we’ve landed safely’ Ben,” I remind him.

Mum’s smile becomes a little bit hesitant, “Maggie is your sister, Benton?”

“Yes, well my half-sister actually. We stayed with her for a short while during the return portion of our journey. She seems to think it’s her duty to make sure we’re well taken care of… She’s rather fond of Ray.”

“What he means by that is she was convinced I was going to catch pneumonia if I was without coffee or soup for ten seconds,” I explain shaking my head. “I love her but she makes me glad I didn’t have any sisters, let me tell you.”

“I suppose it’s just as well that you never had one then dear,” Mum says chuckling.

“At the time you certainly seemed to want one. Seemed like every time we asked Mark where you were you were off playing with the girls,” Dad adds and despite his easy acceptance I sort of hear the ‘I should have known.’

I flash them all my best ‘who me?’ grin, “The girls were playing house, and since I was the dad that meant the mom would kiss me when I came ‘home’ what can I say? I knew a good thing when I saw it. That’s why the guys in junior high thought I was cool. I could honestly say I’d kissed all the popular girls. Sure they were seven at the time, but who cared about the *details*?”  I look at Ben, double checking that it doesn’t bother him anymore, me talking about having kissed girls. I think he’s finally got it that my past doesn’t matter. He’s got me now and that’s what counts. “Well, it was that or the cool glasses, anyway.”

“You boys were both trouble,” Mum says disapprovingly.

“We turned out well enough Mum. You did a good job if I do say so myself.”

“A very good job,” Ben confirms smiling softly in my direction.

“I’m glad you think so, Benton dear,” Mum says patting his cheek. “You know Benton we’ve never discussed your family before. I didn’t even know you had a sister.”

“My family was never particularly close. Maggie and I only met about a year ago.” I can see what this is costing him, so I take his hand to remind him that he’s not alone anymore. “My mother died when I was very young. My grandparents raised me as best they could afterwards but they weren’t really equipped to deal with a young child. My father was… a dedicated man. His career meant the world to him. I didn’t see much of him when I was growing up.”

The silence is deep and heavy following that. Not that it’s all that surprising, as far as childhood memories go Ben’s are pretty depressing. 

“Well dear, I’m glad you and your sister are getting to know each other at least.”

“Besides, one of the good things about growing up is you get to establish your own home and family.” I remind Ben. Mum and Dad stay quiet on that one. I guess as much as they might have figured out about Ben and me they didn’t quite realize how serious it is. That we’re essentially married. And yes admitting that even to myself is a bit scary. What? I’m a guy. And one that is just now coming out of the closet at that.

“Which reminds me,” I offer to the room at large, “you never answered me. When is Mark getting married?”

Mum shakes her head, as if just waking up to the fact that she’s the hostess here, something she always took very seriously. She moves to retrieve the pot roast as she answers me, “The wedding is February 19th. Suzanne and I have just begun planning. She wants to have the ceremony before the baby is born, but she felt the 14th was too cliché.”

“Next year? Greatness. Keep me updated okay? I want to be there,” Per Ben’s wishes I don’t mention how many plane flights I’ll have to book.

“I’ll let you know Sweetheart, besides you’ll get an invitation, I’m sure.” I think I just lightened the mood. Thank God.

 *

Well that was… draining. But I’m glad it’s out of the way. Because Ray’s right. As an adult you do choose your family, and in picking Ray I got a bonus, I got a family the likes of which I never thought I’d have. And in order to truly be a part of this family I have to share who I really am with them. As much as it goes against my nature I realize the gift that this opportunity represents. All the same I’m glad to find the conversation returning to Ray’s family.

“And they’re coming here for Christmas so I’m sure you’ll even see Mark between now and then,” Mrs. Kowalski is telling Ray. I feel his eyes dart over to catch mine but he stays quiet.

I take the opportunity to push a little, “Good. I’d like to finally meet Mark, Ray’s told me a lot about him.”

Mrs. Kowalski beams at me, “I’m happy to hear that Benton. I’m sure you and Mark will get along swimmingly.”

The odd feeling that this is her way of welcoming me to the family brightens my smile just a bit more as I squeeze Ray’s hand where it still rests in mine.

As the evening progresses I can practically feel Ray relaxing. Far from the disastrous meeting he was secretly expecting the evening has been quite pleasant. Mr. Kowalski seems to genuinely like me, which I must admit I wasn’t expecting at all. He has however surprised Ray and myself by starting discussions about fishing, hunting, and the merits of a dog sled as a means of transportation. Dief was rather annoyed that we didn’t consult him on the latter but it was… heartening just the same to be welcomed so openly. Though I’ll admit I’m as uncomfortable as Ray when Mrs. Kowalski asks our opinions on some of her preliminary ideas for Mark’s wedding. But then I think that’s due to some of the unintentional implication of stereotypical traits. Or, that is to say, it almost seems as if she thinks we’ll have opinions on the matter because we’re gay. Not that she’s being malicious. I know that, and I’m sure Ray does too.

When she notes our discomfort she blushes, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to imply… I was just asking. Looking for input. Mark has been positively useless and Suzanne and I both thought it might be best to have a male perspective on it.”

Ray laughs at that, and I relax as well, “Just so long as you don’t figure we’re going to become shopping buddies I think we’re still okay. I promise not to be sensitive about that shit if you promise me you realize I haven’t ‘changed’ I didn’t ‘become’ something I wasn’t before. I’m still me.”

“I can see that Dear.” She looks almost nervous, “In fact it hadn’t even occurred to me that you might be sensitive to that sort of thing simply because you haven’t changed. At least not like that…” She trails off again and glances at me, “You’re happier and more relaxed now, but that’s to be expected.”

“Yeah, I guess I am,” Ray agrees smiling. “So Dad, you wanted me to take a look at that fan?”

“Yeah, I did,” Mr. Kowalski says, shaking his head as if he had become lost in the conversation between his youngest son and his wife. “It’s been wobbling on the middle setting but I can’t find a worn belt or irregular gear anywhere,” He explains as they head down the hall.

Mrs. Kowalski sits back down and looks me in the eye, “Promise me you’ll take care of him.”

“I will. I do. And he takes care of me. You don’t need to worry about us Barbara, I promise you that. You’re not loosing your son to me, nor are you ever going to.”

“I know that, Benton. I watched him marry the wrong person without that worry. He’s my baby and he always will be. I just… The idea of him being so far away scares me a little is all.”

“So far away?” I ask dumbfounded. He didn’t so much as suggest we might move.

“Don’t play coy with me. He’s waiting to break it to us, but I can tell. You’re going back, and this time you’re staying.”

Something about the way she says it has me telling the truth before I consciously choose to do so. “He says that’s what he wants. I don’t doubt that he believes it to some degree. But it’s not what I want. We have a life here. A good one. We both have jobs we love here. We have friends. We have family. I don’t want to give any of it up. I won’t unless it’s what I have to do to keep Ray.”

“You need to tell Stanley that Benton dear,” Her voice is warm and soft. “He’s stubborn.”

I laugh at that, “Oh, believe me I know. However Ray will tell you the same of me. And when it comes to home I think you’ll find that I will persevere.”

“Play dirty,” She advises conspiratorially. I must stare at her like she just told me to jump off a bridge. “All I mean to say is that if you make it about not wanting a change you’ll lose. Tell him about what you’d be giving up if you left instead.”

I listen carefully to make sure Ray is still outside hearing range, “I am fairly certain of my persuasive abilities as they pertain to Ray, Ma’am.” This time I throw an exaggerated glance over my shoulder, “The key is to make him think he wins most of the time.”

She laughs at that and gives Dief a small piece of pot roast. I just nod, clearly she understands what I’m saying to her.

 *

Tonight has surpassed better than I expected. I figured if I was lucky Mum would take it well and keep Dad in line. If you told me Dad would spontaneously buddy up to Ben *after* we told them I would have called you a delusional freak. But it happened. He asked Ben about the proper bait for trout fishing for fuck’s sake. I’d say it’s too good to be true but Dad’s shutting the door, which means he has something to say to me he thinks I won’t take well. His turn I guess. “Your mother’s not going to be happy.”

Now I’m confused, “About?”

“You’re leaving. Following him back to Canada,” Dad says with a nod towards the door.

“We’re talking about it…” I admit reluctantly. “It’s his home Dad. He’s so… happy there.”

“Seems happy here,” Dad comments and then holds up a hand to stall my protest. “You love him and you want him to be happy Stanley, I understand that. And if you can be happy there so be it, just remember that your mother worries. Call, write, let her know you still love her too.”

“You raised me better than that Dad. I’d never do that to Mum,” I assure him.

“Not on purpose. I know that Stanley. But when you’re that far from your family it’s easy to just… loose touch. I meant what I said earlier, you chose well this time. He’s a good man, and he loves you, but no one can ever be everything Stanley. No one can be your whole life, and it’d be unfair of you to try and force him to be.”

“I hear you Dad,” It’s nearly a whisper. I gesture at the fan, “Now you said it’s wobbling?”

It turns out to be a loose screw in the housing as best we can tell, meaning that we took the whole thing apart for nothing, but whatever. After the little ‘do not hurt your mother’ speech things went better we talked sports and the GTO mostly, did the whole ‘can’t say how I feel but I love you’ thing. In short he acted like Dad. Maybe things really are going to be okay. If Ben and I ever get the chance to discuss what the hell *he’s* on about. Because suddenly I feel… guilty about Owl Creek. Talk about far from home.

 *

When Ray and his father return I can tell he’s more than a little anxious to call it a night. So I smile disarmingly at Mrs. Kowalski, “Thank you so much for your hospitality and your understanding, but I’m afraid I have to be on duty at the consulate first thing in the morning so we’ll have to take our leave now.”

“Oh, of course Benton dear. You boys drive safe, and call me if you need anything,” Mrs. Kowalski says hugging first Ray and then myself, and at Dief’s affronted whimper scratching behind his ears. “You look after them,” She admonishes him.

He barks softly, confirming that he knows his duty to his pack.

Mr. Kowalski shakes my hand and hugs Ray.

As I let Dief into the GTO Ray lingers in the doorway. “Thank you both for understanding,” He says at last, kissing his mother’s cheek. Then, as if he’s embarrassed he hurries down the steps and to the car.

He’s silent until we turn onto our own street. “We need to talk Ben. But not in the car.”

“When we get home,” I agree quietly. His tension is still palpable.

In the backseat Dief whines. Before I can respond Ray does, “Nothing like that furface. I promise. We’re good. Hell we’re not even fighting.”

Another whine sounds and this time I do manage to respond first, “No you may not try to stay with Ms. Rochester tonight. And if she tells me you’ve been pestering Gracie again you’ll be spending a month in the apartment.”

Dief whines and Ray reaches back to pat his head, “You’re better off without her Buddy. She’s stuck up.”

The rejoinder dies on my lips when I realize it’s Gracie, the golden retriever, and not Mary our neighbor that he’s in reference to. And then I can’t help the small chuckle that rises upon a mental review of the conversation. No wonder our neighbors are so careful of what they say about Dief. We talk to him as though he were a child, not a wolf.

Which is amusing to say the least. Especially since tonight, in front of his parents, was the closest we’ve come to the topic of children since we became lovers.

Though I honestly think Ray has discarded the idea. And not because we’re both men, adoption is after all a viable option, but because the life we lead, and love, would be… disastrously difficult with a child relying on us. How could either of us, in good conscience risk our lives in ‘wildly bizarre ways’ if it had the potential to orphan a child?

But that’s neither here nor there. Like the commitment issue it will keep until more immediate concerns are dealt with. Like the fact that Home is where we can be together but that the happiest home for the two of us is the one we have here. Which means watching the rather enticing movement of his hips as he climbs the stairs is not the most productive use of my time at this precise moment.  Becoming distracted is not an option. Well not just yet anyway.

Once we’re inside I pull him to the couch where he immediately lays down and pulls me down next to him, both of us fully aware that this is the most… conducive position for a serious discussion between us. Laying as we are we can look each other in the eye, touch, but still remain comfortable for long periods of time. Besides, it’s mutual, and that appeals to both of us.

Before Ray can open his mouth to speak I press a finger gently to his lips, “Let me explain myself first Ray. Please?”

He kisses my finger and smiles, probably glad not to have to fight me for it. I try. I truly do. “Explain away Ben.”

“When you-” He begins to interrupt. “Shh. When you made the decision that we should move to Owl Creek you told me it was because I was your home and I could only be at home in the Northwest Territories. At the time I didn’t object, in part because I thought you were telling me *you* wanted that life but also because on some level I thought you were right.” I steal a quick kiss at his smug smirk. “As much as no where could be home without you I just accepted that if there was a location that was home to me it would be the territories.” I pause here, take a moment to stroke his cheek and look into his eyes. “And a year and a half ago that might have been true. A cozy little cabin with you and a post of my own would have been heaven. But I have things now that I simply didn’t have then. Family, yours and my own. Friends that actually know me.” This time he stops me with an understanding nod. “When we were on our quest it slowly became evident that I *wasn’t* home. I missed our bed. The conveniences of a modern kitchen. Hockey games on television. I was having a good time. I was enjoying having you all to myself. Happy and carefree.” Another quick kiss is shared here. “But I wondered, thought longingly about when we’d head *home.* I’m happy here, you’re happy here, let’s stay here.”

He shifts forward and gives me a long slow kiss. The lingering type that is more about love than sex. One of my favorites. When he retreats a few inches he smiles and asks, “May I speak now?”

Relieved to find him still smiling after my marathon explanation I can only respond with a smug smirk of my own, “As you wish Ray.” “Your friends *still* wouldn’t believe what a smart-ass you are.” He takes a deep breath of his own, “You scared the hell out of me up there. The way you said ‘I’m home’ like every Christmas wish you’d ever made had just come true… I figured the only way I was ever going to be home again was to learn how to make it in the place you called home. So we went on our quest and I figured out I could more than just make it, I could enjoy it. And if I could enjoy it and you needed it who was I to ask you to leave it behind?” He shushes me this time. “Your happiness is important to me Ben. You haven’t had near enough of it. I would have moved to an igloo at the north pole if I could survive and you’d be happy. But tonight… talking to my dad I realized you are happy. And so am I. You’re right, we’re where we belong. And that’s good enough for me. But we’re still going to have to make some changes.” He glances ruefully about the apartment, “In three months our lease is up and when I told the landlady we were moving she found herself a new tenant. We still need a new place to live.”

My heart rate rises a bit and I bite my lip, feeling childish, “Do you… That is, might we…”

“Come on Ben, this is me you’re talking to, you can say it.”

“I’d like to consider finding a house that could become our home…” I trail off again dropping my eyes to his chest.

“Hey,” He makes me meet his eyes, “Don’t do that Ben. Don’t act embarrassed about wanting things. Especially wanting perfectly normal, reasonable things from me.” I must still look uncertain. “Look I know we don’t talk about the big things enough but you *know* I love you, and that I have no intention of us ever being separated. Nothing can change that. And as we’ve just been discussing your happiness means a lot to me, so if you want us to not only be home but to *have* a home so be it Ben. We’ll go to the bank on Monday and see what we can do.”

I know I shouldn’t ask it, it will only upset him, but I need to, “You’d… make a commitment like that for me?”

He shakes his head, but smiles, not at all what I was expecting, “I realized something else tonight Ben… In all the ways that really count we’re married. Maybe not to the world, and that’s a discussion for another time, please, but to me. And, I hope, to you too.” His eyes drop this time. “Telling my parents wasn’t about asking for their permission. No reaction they could have had would have taken me away from you. It was about showing them that I’d made the right choice for once. That the wonderful person you’d shown them loved their son and that they had two options. To embrace this, embrace you, or lose me again. I love you Ben. I know I’m too stupid to ever really be able to explain how much but I don’t want to ever be without you. So I’m thinking there are worse things than sharing a commitment with you.”

“You explained it very well Ray,” I murmur before delivering one of those slow deep kisses that usually punctuate our more intense moments, such as declarations after once again almost having lost each other. “And you are not stupid. I love you with every fiber of my being Ray. I do hope you know that.”

“Got that, yeah. Somewhere about the time when you revealed that I was one of the requisites for heaven. A home of our own huh? I just hope in your little vision of the future the Wolf and the Turtle can replace the 2.5 kids, cause there’s no way I can deal with *that* right now man.” Before I can respond he’s pulled me into a kiss that’s more passionate than the others and I’m no longer inclined to discuss anything.

“Bed?”

“Bed.” It’s good to be home.


End file.
